Resolution #6

Resolution #6 - I am resolved to consider anyone who would spend a significant amount of money on a magic bracelet as having a grossly inferior intellect.

This is where I may lose some friends. This is the resolution that may hit close to home and quite honestly, I might get some backlash from this. But someone has got to take these people by the collars, shake them, and wake them up to the fact that wearing a bracelet with "holograms" in it doesn't magically makes them healthier or a better athlete... Or better looking... Or able to stand on one foot longer.. etc...

Let me back up a little. For those of you who don't know, the latest trend in athletic accessories (at least in my part of the country) is a Power Balance bracelet. They are basically a rubber bracelet with a shiny thing on top and bottom that apparently are holograms that "resonate with and respond to the natural energy field of the body." The website further explains "Power Balance is based on the idea of optimizing the body’s natural energy flow, similar to concepts behind many Eastern philosophies."

Bullpoop. (Allison made me edit this part.)

If I meet you and shake your hand and look down and see a Power Balance bracelet on your wrist. I am going to assume a few things about you. First, I will assume that I am vastly superior to you in every facet of cognitive ability that can be measured. Second, I will assume that you are the living embodiment of "a fool and his money are soon parted". Thirdly, I will assume that you lack discernment and discretion in, not only your choice of apparel and accessories, but also every other area of your life up to this point. Finally, I will assume that whatever exchange is about to take place, I am going to win it.

Power Balance bracelets are stupid, bottom line. And if you have bought one expecting the results it promises, you are an idiot. If you have purchased one to be fashionable and to look "cool" and not really to be a better athlete, you are an insecure idiot. Furthermore, you should be ashamed of yourself for being subject to every pop culture and societal trend. If I have hurt your feelings, good. Somebody needed to, and if it has to be me, so be it. Just remember, I loved you enough to tell you the truth. And the truth is, you are a disgrace to all things reasonable if you are trusting a piece of rubber and two "holograms" to make you a better person.

If you have purchased a bracelet and are now sorely repentant for being such a complete fool after having read this, I'll be glad to be your life coach, just send me 30$.