Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Does a Body Good

This was the top shelf of our refrigerator a couple of days ago. It was so beautiful I had to take a picture. Arnold Schwarzenegger once said, famously, in Pumping Iron "milk is for babies". He was correct. Milk is for babies and people who want to get wicked big and strong. Right now I'm going through a gallon of whole milk every two or three days. Usually mixed with couple of scoops of my EAS Sam's Club protein powder (the vanilla is pretty good and 30$ for 5lbs).

My almost three year old daughter is underweight, I mean not even on the chart underweight. When we got her from the Russian orphanage she was malnourished and would eat anything you put in front of her. Our pediatrician told us to do whatever we could to get extra calories in her. She told us nothing but whole milk to drink, and to put butter in everything she eats. The more calories, the better. It was music to this old strongman's ears. I happen to be a weight gain expert. So, now, not only does she drink almost nothing but organic whole milk, but it is usually laced with carnation instant breakfast, or whey protein, or melted ice cream. Plus we give her anything and everything she wants in the way of food. I've often said to Allison (my wife) that we check our ego at the dinner table and try get as much food down her as we can coax. The result? I don't know if she's on the chart yet, but she gained a little weight, grew 3/4 of an inch last month, her hair and nails are growing like weeds, and we've already outgrown clothes that were too big for her in Russia in early spring... And she hasn't even touched a barbell... yet.

So, Milk, it does a body, almost any body good.

I'm headed to my hometown this weekend and The Boman Family is going to visit Gilmer Dairy Farm, which is owned by former a high school classmate and friend, Mr. Will Gilmer. And we are going to show my cute girl where this magic, muscle making, weight gaining elixir comes from... And hopefully pet a few cows.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Resolution #6

Resolution #6 - I am resolved to consider anyone who would spend a significant amount of money on a magic bracelet as having a grossly inferior intellect.

This is where I may lose some friends. This is the resolution that may hit close to home and quite honestly, I might get some backlash from this. But someone has got to take these people by the collars, shake them, and wake them up to the fact that wearing a bracelet with "holograms" in it doesn't magically makes them healthier or a better athlete... Or better looking... Or able to stand on one foot longer.. etc...

Let me back up a little. For those of you who don't know, the latest trend in athletic accessories (at least in my part of the country) is a Power Balance bracelet. They are basically a rubber bracelet with a shiny thing on top and bottom that apparently are holograms that "resonate with and respond to the natural energy field of the body." The website further explains "Power Balance is based on the idea of optimizing the body’s natural energy flow, similar to concepts behind many Eastern philosophies."

Bullpoop. (Allison made me edit this part.)

If I meet you and shake your hand and look down and see a Power Balance bracelet on your wrist. I am going to assume a few things about you. First, I will assume that I am vastly superior to you in every facet of cognitive ability that can be measured. Second, I will assume that you are the living embodiment of "a fool and his money are soon parted". Thirdly, I will assume that you lack discernment and discretion in, not only your choice of apparel and accessories, but also every other area of your life up to this point. Finally, I will assume that whatever exchange is about to take place, I am going to win it.

Power Balance bracelets are stupid, bottom line. And if you have bought one expecting the results it promises, you are an idiot. If you have purchased one to be fashionable and to look "cool" and not really to be a better athlete, you are an insecure idiot. Furthermore, you should be ashamed of yourself for being subject to every pop culture and societal trend. If I have hurt your feelings, good. Somebody needed to, and if it has to be me, so be it. Just remember, I loved you enough to tell you the truth. And the truth is, you are a disgrace to all things reasonable if you are trusting a piece of rubber and two "holograms" to make you a better person.

If you have purchased a bracelet and are now sorely repentant for being such a complete fool after having read this, I'll be glad to be your life coach, just send me 30$.